Hello Anxiety

Been quite some time since I have anxiety that lasted more than 3 days. Been trying to shake it off but it's no easy feat. So I went to the internet and typed "how to deal with anxiety" in my google search.

The internet is never disappoints, I see. Found lots of article of how to deal with the anxiety. I chose those who contained the words "tips to deal" or "tips to manage". Lots of them are useful, like taking a deep breath, cut your caffeine intake, eat healthily, get enough sleep, welcome humor or try to find the source of your anxiety.

What I really like from those article that how they treat people like me -anxious with no apparent reason- with respect. They acknowledged anxiety as something unavoidable and gave useful tips how deal with it in easy steps.

And the source of my anxiety? I know perfectly well what is it, I just can't, (or rather, won't) deal with it now. It all started with the accumulation of stress at work to the point I no longer feel satisfied with what I do. Or rather, with what I earn. I wasn't even comparing my life with others, but there are some things you wanna do, some amount of paycheck you wanna make and stuffs to do. While in my younger days it is okay to have a medium income, at some point in life, it's no longer satisfying. And those bills are just keep piling up, aren't they?

So I started a job hunt, after about a couple of years not doing so, but I don't know is it me being older and more considerate, I seem to be having big trouble in finding a job I'd like. Almost like finding a boyfriend after 30 where you don't want the bad (younger) boys anymore but the older guys are just plain boring most of the time.

Aaaaanyway.. Three weeks ago a best friend of mine suggested me to applied to an online media who happened to be looking for an editor with my qualification. "You can do it, and I know you'd get along fine with the others. I know them and you, you guys are great," she said. She was really excited and I was grateful for the opportunity.

But that where the problem started. I'm not really in a good mood right now due to some financial mismanagement and the effort to "sell myself" to a prospective new employer is a bit much for me. But that was a good thing I didn't cry hating myself after the interview like I did a few times before, so I guess I must be learning something, right? Right..

The thing is, when you get older, you get more responsible, to yourself and to your company. Suddenly I had this ugly feeling of incapable doing what I'm suppose to be doing when I get the job. And they haven't hired me yet. It just me, my crazy thought who like to sabotage my life. And hello anxiety..

And now it's day 5 and I still feel the anxiety. Luckily they agreed for rescheduling the second interview cause I missed their email just because I can't seem to open my emails and find a rejection letter. Not now. Maybe later. After payday where I'll feel better.

So now I have four days to calm my anxiety and try to learn a bit more about them so I won't be so clueless like before. And the internet articles said I should be focusing to relax and doing things that will calm me, like my hobbies. Great, back to coloring I guess, cause sewing is also a bit much for me right now..